My journey through triathlons, anxiety/depression & life!

Anxiety vs. Weight Loss — January 5, 2017

Anxiety vs. Weight Loss

Ok, so if you know me at all, or have followed my blog very much, you know I have anxiety & depression. Both my husband & I decided that I needed to get back in to therapy for it. Not only for my anxiety & depression, but to learn how to help my kids even more. 

I found out that my therapist that I used to see 15 yrs ago is covered on my insurance, so I went ahead & made an appointment. Yesterday was my first appointment with him. My husband went with me. 

Of course i had to get there early & fill out all the paperwork. It was determined my depression was moderate to severe. Then J (the therapist) looked at the anxiety one & said “WHOA!!!” It’s off the charts. The lower the score, the better. The highest score you can get is 21. Guess what my score was? Yup, 21!

It was brought up that before i met my husband & when we were first dating & before he got custody of his kids i was a totally different person. It was because I was actively training. I was always going to the gym & doing races. Once we got custody of his kids, etc, working out has taken a back burner. 

J asked how much weight I’ve gained since my husband & i have been together, etc & I said about 75 lbs. I’m 2009, my heaviest was 275, then in 2010 I got all the way down to 156. I just weighed myself the other day & I’m at 238.1. J actually told me congrats because my weight could be worse. 

I was told I need to start doing more for myself. If it means working out at 11 pm because that’s when I have the time,  that’s what i have to do. 

My husband mentioned that I’m tok focused on the # on the scale too. Honestly,  I’m scared to death that I’m not going to be loved by him because I’ve gained weight & I’m not as thin as I was when we met. He keeps reassuring me that’s not gonna happen, but with anxiety,  you always have that thought in your head. 

When my husband mentioned to J that I’m too focused on the scale he told me that’s the least of my worries right now. If exercising helps my anxiety, I need to workout for that, NOT to lose weight. I said “but I’m a numbers person. That’s how I see progress. By the number going down on the scale.” J then pointed out that I’ve got a # with my anxiety too & that’s the score of 21. I need to lower that # instead. 

So, this poses the question…if getting my anxiety under control is more important than weight loss…do I eat whatever I want (If that’s what gives me comfort, etc) & workout & if I happen to lose weight,  that’s a bonus? Or do I still watch what i eat & workout & hope it helps my anxiety?  Does that make sense? 

What are your thoughts on this? Do you ever deal with anxiety?

A Goal — January 2, 2017

A Goal

Since everybody has been talking about what their goals or new years resolutions are, I’ve honestly been trying to think of one. 

Like I mentioned yesterday, one of them for the month of January is to text my friend every day one thing i like about myself. Today it was that I like how fast I can type. 

I have set another goal though. By no later than kid August, I want to be able to ride my bike up Emigration Canyon without a struggle. 

It’s not the hardest to ride up, but if you’re out of shape like me,  it’s tough. I’ve done it before. I want to do it again. Side note: it sucks riding the canyon on a Sat morning because you smell the bacon frying at Ruth’s (once featured on Diners, Drive Ins & Dives).

This is the view from the top. To the left of this picture you can see Little Dell  (a popular fishing spot). To the right, you see the Salt Lake valley. 

My only problem with this goal is…when we moved I sold my time trial bike. I think my mom & dad still have my old road bike & if they do,  that’ll have to do. 

What are your goals for the new year?

Happy New Year! — January 1, 2017

Happy New Year!

So there’s been a lot of talk on social media about what everybody is setting as their goals for the new year. 

I happened to comment on one of my friend’s posts that I didn’t really have goals because I’m afraid of being defeated/failure. She came back with a challenge for me. This particular friend lives in Michigan,  so she told me I had to text her day & say one thing I like about myself. 

I’ve decided to take on the challenge AND share it with you. So, today being day 1, I texted her telling her i like my eyes. 

I have BIG blue eyes. I liked them even better when I wore contacts & my eyes didn’t hide behind glasses. And when I put makeup on, it makes my eyes pop even more! 

We will see what day 2 is tomorrow. 

Christmas Part 2 — December 28, 2016

Christmas Part 2

Ok, I promised I would write about Christmas again when I had more time.

Let me start out by saying we have been super-duper blessed this year. Honestly, as of December 15th, we weren’t going to have a Christmas. We moved on November 7th and that took ALOT more money than we had anticipated. We had some financial issues after we moved too. I wasn’t sure how we were going to tell our kids that Santa just wasn’t going to visit our house this year. But then, within a week, we were given a significant amount of money by a stranger in our church group that just wanted to help throughout the holidays, my daughter’s school called me up & said that we were a sub-for-Santa family that year, and someone else gifted me a $30 gift card. Plus, we were chosen by a stranger in our church group and they chose to do the 12 Days of Christmas to us. My kids  LOVED that.

So,  considering how we weren’t going to have a Christmas this year, my kids ended up with a VERY nice Christmas this year.


Not the best picture, sorry. This was at 11:30 pm holding a sleeping baby with my back hurting.

Plus, my husband’s mom sent up a TON of presents for the kids too.

As predicted E didn’t really care about the presents, he just loved the wrapping paper.


I don’t know why the pictures are coming up sideways…sorry. 😦

But you know what my favoritest present of all was? This…

How stinkin’ cute is that?!?!?!

How was your Christmas? What did you get?


Happy Christmas! — December 25, 2016

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas folks! I have been more than blessed this year. 

Last night, my 10 month old was really struggling to sleep, so I got up & walked around the house with him. This is where I saw the two letters my older kids wrote & left for Santa. B wrote on the outside of his letter “To Santa TOP SECRET Not for Mom & Dad”. Lol. He asked for more money in his bank acct that he got for his birthday & he asked for his tablet back (it got taken away because of behavior issues) so he could do his homework & not ask to be logged on to the laptop every time. Lol. 

T asked for a hatchimal & a book series she likes. 

So last night I got to play Santa & write a letter back to them. I was worried they would recognize my handwriting, but they didn’t. Lol. 

I told B that if he continues to improve his behavior that Santa would try & convince his parents to give him his tablet back. 

I told T that I don’t know if she’ll get a hatchimal as they are very popular & I wasn’t sure if the elves had enough supplies to make more. 

We aren’t celebrating Christmas as a family until tomorrow though because my husband has to work all day today. By the time he gets home & we have dinner,  he’s not gonna want to do anything. 

I did go over to my mom & dad’s today & my brother & sister-in-law were there. Totally unexpected, but they got gifts for my kids. They got the 2 older kids pj’s & an outfit & a toy (I didn’t get pictures). They got E the cutest outfit he can wear for church & a fedora hat. I hope we can convince him to wear it. Lol. Plus a bunch of toys. They got spoiled. I got THE BEST gift of all though. My sister-in-law makes THE BEST salsa. My husband & I got a jar of her salsa & chips! Yum!!!

I will post more tomorrow about all of our Christmas festivities. But i hope you all have a very merry Christmas! 

My Social Anxiety — December 20, 2016

My Social Anxiety

It seems the older I get the more bad my social anxiety gets. I used to be able to go to crowded places and not be phased, but I’ve noticed especially since I was pregnant, it’s gotten worse.

We have a shopping mall here in Salt Lake City called City Creek. We went there the other night to attempt to take Baby E to see Santa. The mall is owned by the Mormon Church. This mall has a dress code too. Not a strict dress code. But if you’re one of those folks that likes to wear their pants 1/2 way down your ass with your underwear hanging out, you’ll be asked to fix it or leave.

As soon as we got to the mall, my anxiety just skyrocketed. It was wall to wall people.

I felt like the guy in the middle.


Everybody was crammed in to the elevator. There was just too damn many people. I don’t know if my anxiety is caused by my two older kids not knowing how to act in public, therefore they’re extremely embarrassing, or if it’s my fear of being judged, etc. City Creek Mall is a mall for the REALLY wealthy people to go shopping at. It’s a beautiful mall, but all the stores there are expensive. I’ve never gone there before because I know I can’t afford it. So, I don’t know if that’s part of my anxiety too.

We ended up leaving instead of waiting around to see Santa because my anxiety just couldn’t handle it.

This isn’t the only occasion either. I wanted to go to the Festival of Trees this year, but I just knew I couldn’t handle it. Last year my husband took me to a TSO concert and I was able to sit through the concert, but barely. My legs were jittery the entire time, etc.

So, my question for you is…Do you have social anxiety? How do you handle it?

Oh, D.O.M.S. — December 15, 2016

Oh, D.O.M.S.


Oh. My. Hell. I feel like I could die. Last night I got the worst nights sleep because of it.

Two days ago I did my first weights workout in who knows how long and I’m paying for it. I felt DOMS kicking in yesterday, but like I knew, the 2nd day is always the worst! I can barely move. Sitting down is THE WORST.


But, I have to admit…I secretly enjoy it. It means I pushed myself. It means I’m getting back in to the swing of things.


As long as I keep moving, I’ll be ok. It’s just when you sit down and are sitting for a while and then have to get up & move. Oh, geez…torture!!!!

How do you deal with DOMS? Any tips/tricks?

13.1 Training – Day 2 — December 14, 2016

13.1 Training – Day 2

I always write this post the next day, because after I get done with my workout, it’s immediately back to being Mom and helping with homework, helping with dinner, putting baby to bed, etc.

So, yesterday was day 2 of training for this 13.1. I thought I was going. to. die. I did weights. I haven’t done weights in God knows how long!!!

I started with a 10 minute warm up on the bike. That wasn’t bad. I actually enjoyed it. At the gym at my apartment complex it’s nice because it’s a spin bike and not just a regular stationary bike.

Then…I hit the weights and didn’t look back. I did a little bit of everything. I did chest pressed, shoulder presses, low row, step ups, vicious v’s, Russian twists, bicycle, up & outs, and I was even able to hold a plank for 1 minute.

This is the Russian Twist. It about killed me.
I didn’t look this cute doing the Vicious V’s though.

After having a kid, my abs definitely need more work.

I was going to end it all with some jumping jacks, but that just didn’t happen. I felt like a giant bowl of jello after the workout was done.

I plan on doing these exercises at least twice a week though. I know they’ll help with my running, especially the core workouts.

What is your favorite weight/core workout to do?

13.1 Training – Day 1 — December 13, 2016

13.1 Training – Day 1

Three years ago, I was SUPER active. I didn’t think twice about doing triathlons, marathons, 1/2 marathons, etc. But then, life took a turn. I gained two step kids, one biological kid and about 75 lbs.


Over the weekend as I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw this post about a 1/2 Marathon in March 2017. It was only $30!!! That’s a fargain-bargain! Usually they’re at least DOUBLE that.

So, I did my research. If I signed up for it, I would have 12 weeks to train for it. I asked my Idiot friends for advice to see if they thought I could do it. Of course, because they’re Idiots, they said I could. So…I signed up for it.

This will be my first race in quite some time. Well, I did do the Holy War 5k a few months ago, but before that, I had done a race since 2014.

I’ve got some personal training background, so I’ll be training myself. Yesterday was day 1.

Oh boy have I got work to do. I live in a small apartment complex, so our gym there only has one treadmill, one elliptical, one stationary bike and a BUNCH of weights (yay!). I went to the gym and someone was already on the treadmill, so I hopped on the elliptical.

When I was actively training a couple of years ago, I despised the elliptical. I felt like I just wasn’t getting a workout. Well, last night was COMPLETELY different. I guess that goes to show how out of shape I am.


I think this will be a good intro to running again for me though. If I get on the treadmill, I feel like I have to be able to run a 10 min mile like I used to. That’s just asking for an injury. So, I think for the first couple of weeks I will stick to the elliptical and slowly introduce the treadmill.

Tonight I’m going to go do weights. I definitely need to work on my core. I know that will help with my running too.

What races do you have planned for 2017? If you could only choose between the elliptical and treadmill, which would you choose and why?

Out. Of. Shape. — November 27, 2016

Out. Of. Shape.

Holy crap! Ever since we moved a couple weeks ago, well and leading up to the move, I haven’t had time to workout. It shows. Granted, I haven’t gained as much weight as I feel like I have, but I still feel like I’ve gained a lot of weight, and that just isn’t acceptable.

I have a friend that had gastric bypass surgery like 10+ yrs ago. Within the past 3 years, she’s had a baby and has gained some of her weight back. She’s super good at blogging, etc. Well, the other day she posted something about what she was doing to work off her Thanksgiving dinner and asked what everybody else was doing. Something that simple inspired me.

My friend knows that I’ve lost a lot of weight previously, so she’s been really supportive.

I posted on her Facebook post that I was going to go running yesterday. I planned on going running in the morning, but things happened and I didn’t have time. The rest of the day, I was thinking of ALL kinds of excuses. You name it, I had an excuse for it. I even had things happening that would’ve been a good excuse to not go all the way up to walking out the door.

BUT…I got out the door. I downloaded a Couch to 5k app and I’m doing that…again. At my apartment complex they have a nice little gym, so I went down and got on the treadmill.

Like I said, i’m TERRIBLY out of shape.


Granted, I didn’t stop after 5 minutes (I wanted to), but holy crap I’ve got a long way to go. Now, just to find time to do some sort of physical activity every day.

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