I’ve screwed up my back…yet again. I know what part of the cause is, but there’s not much I can do about it. Our mattress is a good 20 years old. It’s shot to hell. But, we can’t afford a new mattress right now. We have the eggshell thing under it to try & give my back more support, but there’s only so much you can do before it doesn’t help, ya know? My back hurts so bad, that I can’t even fold laundry.
My house is literally drowning in laundry. But I can’t stand for very long, and I can’t sit for very long before my back starts hurting
I know part of the reason I keep screwing up my back is because I don’t have the core strength I used to have. But, to get that core strength back, I need for my back to not hurt. I’ve got a craving to go for a run too. But, it’s kinda hard to do that when you’re in SO much pain with your back.
I’d love to say that I’ve made a Doctor appointment, but I can’t afford to miss any more work than I already do. Plus, I don’t have the money for a co-pay either. So, I guess it’s just icy hot and ibuprofen until it feels better.
I was catching up on all of my blogs that I follow and TheDancingRunner did this little questionnaire. So I thought it would be a fun blog post.
Drink: Uhhh…Diet Coke, Mountain Dew and Water
Book: Right now I’m reading “My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry” and it’s REALLY good.
Song: Scene’s From an Italian Restaurant
Movie: The one movie I’ve watched over & over & over again and still love is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Band: Hmmmm…that’s a good question. There’s not a lot of bands that I DON’T like. I don’t know if I could pinpoint a favorite.
Solo Artist: Billy Joel
Place: Las Vegas
Subject: Math & fitness
Sport: I like to watch hockey & basketball.
Actor: Tom Hanks
Actress: I don’t think there’s a movie by Jennifer Anniston I don’t like. So…her.
Schooling: I’ve been to college countless times, but have had to drop out for various reasons and have never been able to go back.
BF: Best friend? Boyfriend?? Not sure what this means.
Political ideology: We won’t get in to that here.
Tattoos: 7. And I want more.
Piercings: I’ve just got 1 in each ear.
Languages: Just English. I tried to take Spanish in junior high and high school, but failed miserably at it.
Reason behind your blog name: I got in to triathlons and it’s helped my anxiety & depression immensely. It honestly helps me survive the deep dark hell of anxiety & depression.
Why you blog: I want people to hear my weight loss story. I want people to hear my current story & know they’re not alone if they have the same battles.
Today is a special throwback Thursday. Today is my son’s 1st birthday! One year ago today at 12:19 p.m., I delivered Baby E via C-section.
I had gotten induced at 10:00 a.m. the previous morning and had only progressed to 4 cm, so we decided to take him via C-section. Because of when my water broke, I could have held out a couple more hours to see if I would progress at all, but I just knew my body wasn’t going to. So, off to the O.R. we went.
It’s been a wild ride being E’s mom. The first few months were rough, but once we got the hang of life, it’s been better.
I have absolutely LOVED watching him grow and change and learn new things, but it makes me terribly sad too. I’ve honestly spent most of today VERY depressed and crying because of it.
He is SUCH good eater. So far, the only thing he doesn’t like is tuna fish and oranges (sometimes). We will feed him his baby/toddler food for breakfast, lunch & dinner and then he comes over and is a nuisance until we share OUR dinner with him. Lol. It’s weird when R and I go out on a date, I expect to hear E yell at me to share my food. So, when it’s quiet, it’s weird.
This is one of the more recent pictures I have of him. This picture was taken 1 month ago at the zoo. He’s SO close to walking, it’s scary. He’ll take 3 or 4 steps, and then realize he’s walked and will hurry & sit down. Haha! It’s rather funny.
E LOVES to look at the fish in the fish tank at home and he loves to go to Cabela’s or the Aquarium and look at the fish (therefore he’s having a fish themed birthday party).
He’s still not sleeping through the night, but we are working on that. We’re working on having him sleep in his crib too. It break’s mama’s heart to hear him cry & be so mad that I’ve left him in his crib to sleep instead of snuggling with me.
He LOVES to snuggle with me and his grandpa. His grandpa is his other favorite person. He LOVES spending time over at Grandma & Grandpa’s house.
This past year has been such a trip for me though. When I had him, we decided to have my tubes tied. If I could go back and change ONE thing, I wouldn’t have had that done. Can my husband and I afford more kids? Nope. But, I hate knowing that this is the only 1st birthday party I get to throw. This is the only baby I will ever get to have. I won’t have the opportunity to feel another human move around inside me (I miss that like CRAZY). Like I said, I know we can’t afford more kids, plus pregnancy was extremely hard for me, but I wish I still had the option. E is my husband’s 3rd child, so this will be his 3rd 1st birthday party he gets to help plan, etc. It’s my one and only and I’m really struggling with it.
Like I said earlier, I LOVE to see E learn new things and progress and stuff like that. But it kills me that I don’t get to have any more babies.
Other moms, have you dealt with this kind of guilt/sadness? If so, how do you deal with it or get over it?
One of my friends shared this post on Facebook yesterday and I just broke down crying. I needed to hear it. I figured if I needed to hear it, others needed to hear it too, so I got permission from the writer to share it.
To the mom hiding in her bathroom, needing peace for just one minute,as the tears roll down her checks…
To the mom who is so tired she feels like she can’t function anymore and would do anything to lay down and get the rest she needs…
To the mom sitting in her car, alone, stuffing food in her face because she doesn’t want anyone else to see or know she eats that stuff…
To the mom crying on the couch after she yelled at her kids for something little and is now feeling guilty and like she is unworthy…
To the mom that is trying desperately to put those old jeans on because all she really wants is to look in the mirror and feel good about herself…
To the mom that doesn’t want to leave the house because life is just too much to handle right now…
To the mom that is calling out for pizza again because dinner just didn’t happen the way she wanted it to…
To the mom that feels alone, whether in a room by herself or standing in a crowd…
You are enough.
You are important.
You are worthy.
This is a phase of life for us. This is a really, really hard, challenging, crazy phase of life.
In the end it will all be worth it. But for now, it’s hard. And it’s hard for so many of us in many different ways. We don’t always talk about it, but it’s hard and it’s not just you.
You are enough.
You are doing your best.
Those little eyes that look up at you – they think you are perfect. They think you are more than enough.
Those little hands that reach out to hold you – they think you are the strongest. They think you can conquer the world.
Those little mouths eating the food you gave them – they think that you are the best because their bellies are full.
Those little hearts that reach out to touch yours – they don’t want anything more. They just want you.
Because you are enough. You are more than enough, mama.
You. Are. Amazing.
By: Bethany Jacobs
Some days I’m not sure what to post. Today is one of those days. I’ve been in the car for what seems like HOURS, when it’s only been about 4.5. We decided to take a little weekend vacation to come visit my in-laws since Grandpa H hasn’t met E yet. It’s only a 4 Hr drive from SLC to St George, but it took us longer because we had a couple stops to make, plus traveling with a toddler is a strain on patience.
But I’m taking a prompt from Pinterest & I’ll tell you something that made me smile today.
One thing that made me smile was FINALLY making it to our hotel room. Lol. But i don’t know if I’m happy about that any more. I’m sicker than a dog on vacation. I’ve got chills (they’re multiplying…), my throat hurts, I feel a little lightheaded. This just isn’t what I had planned for my mini vacation.
You know what normally makes me smile? What we had for dinner…
But not even that made me smile tonight. Maybe it would have if they were good. But I’ve had better.
What makes you smile?