My Back…Again

I’ve  screwed up my back…yet again. I know what part of the cause is, but there’s not much I can do about it. Our mattress is a good 20 years old. It’s shot to hell. But, we can’t afford a new mattress right now. We have the eggshell thing under it to try & give my back more support, but there’s only so much you can do before it doesn’t help,  ya know? My back hurts so bad, that I can’t even fold laundry.

laundry

My house is literally drowning in laundry. But I can’t stand for very long, and I can’t sit for very long before my back starts hurting

I know part of the reason I keep screwing up my back is because I don’t have the core strength I used to have. But, to get that core strength back, I need for my back to not hurt. I’ve got a craving to go for a run too. But, it’s kinda hard to do that when you’re in SO much pain with your back.

I’d love to say that I’ve made a Doctor appointment, but I can’t afford to miss any more work than I already do. Plus, I don’t have the money for a co-pay either. So, I guess it’s just icy hot and ibuprofen until it feels better.

Meet the Blogger Questionnaire

I was catching up on all of my blogs that I follow and TheDancingRunner did this little questionnaire. So I thought it would be a fun blog post.

Info-

Name: Ara

Age: 37

Gender: Female

A selfie-

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Not a fan of selfie’s, so here’s an older pic.

Favorites-

Food: Nachos!

Drink: Uhhh…Diet Coke, Mountain Dew and Water

Book: Right now I’m reading “My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry” and it’s REALLY good.

Song: Scene’s From an Italian Restaurant

Movie: The one movie I’ve watched over & over & over again and still love is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Band:  Hmmmm…that’s a good question. There’s not a lot of bands that I DON’T like. I don’t know if I could pinpoint a favorite.

Solo Artist: Billy Joel

Place: Las Vegas

Subject: Math & fitness

Sport: I like to watch hockey & basketball.

Actor: Tom Hanks

Actress: I don’t think there’s a movie by Jennifer Anniston I don’t like. So…her.

Life –

Schooling: I’ve been to college countless times, but have had to drop out for various reasons and have never been able to go back.

BF: Best friend? Boyfriend?? Not sure what this means.

Political ideology: We won’t get in to that here.

Religion: Christian.

Tattoos: 7. And I want more.

Piercings: I’ve just got 1 in each ear.

Languages: Just English. I tried to take Spanish in junior high and high school, but failed miserably at it.

Reason behind your blog name: I got in to triathlons and it’s helped my anxiety & depression immensely. It honestly helps me survive the deep dark hell of anxiety & depression.

Why you blog: I want people to hear my weight loss story. I want people to hear my current story & know they’re not alone if they have the same battles.

 

Throwback Thursday – Baby E

Today is a special throwback Thursday. Today is my son’s 1st birthday! One year ago today at 12:19 p.m., I delivered Baby E via C-section.

easton-brand-new1

I had gotten induced at 10:00 a.m. the previous morning and had only progressed to 4 cm, so we decided to take him via C-section. Because of when my water broke, I could have held out a couple more hours to see if I would progress at all, but I just knew my body wasn’t going to. So, off to the O.R. we went.

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It’s been a wild ride being E’s mom. The first few months were rough, but once we got the hang of life, it’s been better.

easton-2-months

I have absolutely LOVED watching him grow and change and learn new things, but it makes me terribly sad too. I’ve honestly spent most of today VERY depressed and crying because of it.

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He weighed 7 lbs 11 oz when he was born. But this picture makes him look like a buddah baby. I love it!

 

He is SUCH  good eater. So far, the only thing he doesn’t like is tuna fish and oranges (sometimes). We will feed him his baby/toddler food for breakfast, lunch & dinner and then he comes over and is a nuisance until we share OUR dinner with him. Lol. It’s weird when R and I go out on a date, I expect to hear E yell at me to share my food. So, when it’s quiet, it’s weird.

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This is one of the more recent pictures I have of him. This picture was taken 1 month ago at the zoo. He’s SO close to walking, it’s scary. He’ll take 3 or 4 steps, and then realize he’s walked and will hurry & sit down. Haha! It’s rather funny.

E LOVES to look at the fish in the fish tank at home and he loves to go to Cabela’s or the Aquarium and look at the fish (therefore he’s having a fish themed birthday party).

He’s still not sleeping through the night, but we are working on that. We’re working on having him sleep in his crib too. It break’s mama’s heart to hear him cry & be so mad that I’ve left him in his crib to sleep instead of snuggling with me.

He LOVES to snuggle with me and his grandpa. His grandpa is his other favorite person. He LOVES spending time over at Grandma & Grandpa’s house.

This past year has been such a trip for me though. When I had him, we decided to have my tubes tied. If I could go back and change ONE thing, I wouldn’t have had that done. Can my husband and I afford more kids? Nope. But, I hate knowing that this is the only 1st birthday party I get to throw. This is the only baby I will ever get to have. I won’t have the opportunity to feel another human move around inside me (I miss that like CRAZY). Like I said, I know we can’t afford more kids, plus pregnancy was extremely hard for me, but I wish I still had the option. E is my husband’s 3rd child, so this will be his 3rd 1st birthday party he gets to help plan, etc. It’s my one and only and I’m really struggling with it.

Like I said earlier, I LOVE to see E learn new things and progress and stuff like that. But it kills me that I don’t get to have any more babies.

Other moms, have you dealt with this kind of guilt/sadness? If so, how do you deal with it or get over it?

You Are Enough

One of my friends shared this post on Facebook yesterday and I just broke down crying. I needed to hear it. I figured if I needed to hear it, others needed to hear it too, so I got permission from the writer to share it.

crying

To the mom hiding in  her bathroom, needing peace for just one minute,as the tears roll down her checks…

To the mom who is so tired she feels like she can’t function anymore and would do anything to lay down and get the  rest she needs…

To the mom sitting in her car, alone, stuffing food in her face because she doesn’t want anyone else to see or know she eats that  stuff…

To the mom crying on the couch after she yelled  at her kids for something little and is now feeling guilty and like she is unworthy…

To the mom that is trying desperately to put those old jeans on because all she really wants is to look in the mirror and feel good about herself…

To the mom that doesn’t want to leave the house because life is just too much to handle right now…

To the mom that is calling out for pizza again because dinner just didn’t happen the way she wanted it to…

To the mom that feels alone, whether in a room by herself or standing in a crowd…

You are enough.

You are important.

You are worthy.

This is a phase of life for us. This is a really, really hard, challenging, crazy phase of life.

In the end it will all be worth it. But for now, it’s hard. And it’s hard for so many of us in many different ways. We don’t always talk about it, but it’s  hard and it’s not just you.

You are enough.

You are doing your best.

Those little eyes that look up at you – they think you are perfect. They think you are more than enough.

Those little hands that reach out to hold you – they think you are the strongest. They think you can conquer the world.

Those little mouths eating the food you gave them – they think that you are the best because their bellies are full.

Those little hearts that reach out to touch yours – they don’t want anything more. They just want you.

Because you are enough. You are more than enough, mama.

You. Are. Amazing.

By: Bethany Jacobs

 

One of Those Days

Some days I’m not sure what to post. Today is one of those days. I’ve been in the car for what seems like HOURS, when it’s only been about 4.5. We decided to take a little weekend vacation to come visit my in-laws since Grandpa H hasn’t met E yet. It’s only a 4 Hr drive from SLC to St George, but it took us longer because we had a couple stops to make,  plus traveling with a toddler is a strain on patience.

But I’m taking a prompt from Pinterest & I’ll tell you something that made me smile today.

One thing that made me smile was FINALLY making it to our hotel room. Lol. But i don’t know if I’m happy about that any more. I’m sicker than a dog on vacation. I’ve got chills (they’re multiplying…), my throat hurts, I feel a little lightheaded. This just isn’t what I had planned for my mini vacation.

You know what normally makes me smile?  What we had for dinner…

NACHOS!!!!!

But not even that made me smile tonight.  Maybe it would have if they were good. But I’ve had better.

What makes you smile?

IOP Therapy

Part of T & B’s abuse was neglect from their mother & stepfather. I wish there was a different name I could refer to them as, because a mother & stepfather don’t do or allow the things to happen that did.

The kids were never taught manners, amongst other stuff. T never learned or realized how to identify her feelings. If you ask her “Why did you do (a certain act)?” Her response is always “I don’t know.” She can’t identify if it is because she is mad, sad, anxious, etc. She doesn’t know how to control her emotions either.

It really gets frustrating as a parent. I think I can attribute part of it to the fact that she’s been diagnosed with severe ADHD, depression and PTSD.

Don’t get me wrong, T is a SMART kid. If you go to parent teacher conference with us, you’ll wonder why she’s getting D’s & F’s in all her classes. I’ve had her teachers tell me “When I ask a question in class, I have to ask if anybody BESIDES T knows the answer, because she always has her hand raised.” The girl just doesn’t do/turn in her homework. I think part of it has to do with her ADHD. I think there’s other factors to this too.

So, that goes to show you, this girl is intellectually smart, just emotionally and socially, she’s EXTREMELY far behind. Not to be mean, but to give others an idea of what it’s like, T is physically 14 yrs old. Emotionally & socially, she’s between the ages of 6 and 8.

She was going to therapy once a week, but because she is so smart, she knows what the therapist wants to hear. So she will tell the therapist what she wants to hear, and then as soon as she walks out of the therapists office, she conveniently forgets what was talked about. There have been times that as we are driving home from the therapist, her dad or I will ask T “So, what did you discuss in therapy?” and we get “I don’t really remember.”

A couple of weeks ago, it was an entire weekend of temper tantrums from her. For who knows why! I remember two of the temper tantrums were because we asked her to unload  the dishwasher (come to find out that gave her anxiety). My husband and I had seriously had ENOUGH. At her next therapy appointment, we brought it up with the therapist, and she suggested IOP therapy with the children’s hospital. We JUMPED on it!

IOP = Intensive Outpatient Therapy Program. So far, I’ve seen quite a bit of improvement. Don’t get me wrong, T has a long ways to go, but she seems to be improving and this IOP therapy seems to help.

The  only main issue with this therapy, is it is very time consuming and we’ve had to completely rearrange our schedules. BUT…if it will help T, then I will do. Now, instead of going to therapy once a week for 1 hour, she goes 3 times a week for 2-2 1/2 hours each day. She goes Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday. It’s nice too, because on Tuesday and Thursday, the parents participate too. They teach us how to help our kids. Oh, and it’s in a group setting.

They have put T in a group with 2 other girls  that are 8 years old. They put her in with younger girls  because they all have about the same level of skill. It’s nice when I go on Tuesday and Thursday, I get to sit with  other parents and hear that I’m not in this alone. I mean, I’ll try and tell my co-workers and friends (that are online) what it’s like to have a child like this and I don’t think they really believe it. I sit in this room and hear the other moms talk about their kid that is in the program and I sit there and shake my head the whole time agreeing with them

This is week 2 in therapy and T shares with us on Tuesday and Thursday what she’s learning and I think it’s helping all of us. We all still have lots of issues, and I’m going to try & bring some of them up with the therapists in the program and see what they suggest.

But so far, I’ve been very pleased with the program.

I just want to end this post basically saying, I’m not writing this post for people to feel sorry for me or for my daughter. I don’t want praise for doing this. I’m putting this out there in hopes that others will read this and go “a-ha! I’m not alone in this battle.” I want others to realize how difficult it is to have a child like this. I just want people to have a better understanding.