21 Day Fix & Running

So, I’m finally to a point with my anxiety that I’ve got it under control enough that I feel like I can focus on working out again & losing weight. 

This is week 2 of me working out. Week 1 I did Country Heat by Beachbody & I started a Couch to 5k program. I’ve decided it’ll be easiest & I’ve got a better chance at success if I do the Beachbody workouts on the days my husband works & I do my running on the days he doesn’t. Week 1 I lost 2.3 lbs!

I was going to keep up with the Country Heat for week 2, but then I logged in to start the video & it said “elite” & that scared the crap out of me. I’m not coordinated AT ALL, & I even struggled through week 1 of Country Heat, but it was a good intro back to working out. 

So I decided to try 21 Day Fix. HOLY MOLY!!! I love it, yet i hate it. It’s pushing me. It’s pushing in a way I pushed myself when I was training for triathlons. I might complain that I have D.O.M.S., but really deep down inside, i LOVE it. This program is 21 days long (duh!) & I’m excited to see how much I’ve improved in those 3 wks.  
My running, I’m slow. But for some reason this time, seeing the slow paces I’m running doesn’t seem to bother me too much. 

With the Couch to 5k program, I run 3 times a week. Week 1, day 2, my pace was like a 15:40/mile. I ran around a paved trail at a nearby park. It has some slight hills, but if you’re not trained for it & you’re barely starting out running, they can kick your ass. Week 1, day 3, I ran from my parents house up to my old high school & ran around the track. My pace was a 14:30/ mile. Can you believe that???? That was a HUGE confidence boost that I needed. Granted there weren’t as many hills, but still. I’m excited to go running this week. I know doing the 21DayFix will help with my running to because I’m building muscle. 


Weight Loss Barriers

I know I’ve touched on this before, but I’ve found prompts on what to blog about and this seemed like a good one. Especially with my place in life right now.

We ALL have barriers with weight loss in one way or another. Everybody’s is different. I lost weight 9 years ago and dropped 114 lbs., but have gained it back since (long story). But, I’m at it again, but I’ve got my barriers.

Weight Loss BarrierI think the first trick is to identify what your barriers are and then you can work on getting past those barriers. Oh, I’ve been able to EASILY identify my barriers. But getting past those barriers has been the tough thing for me.

One of the things that stands in my way is I haven’t found a balance between me time and family time yet. I’ve got a 14 year old, a 12 year old and a 1 year old. The 14 and 12 year old are special needs, so that doesn’t make it any easier. The 1 year old, he’s just a 1 year old learning to explore this new world he’s in. My life is VERY busy. I get up at 6:00 a.m. to get the kids ready for school, get them all off to where they need to go (school, therapy, babysitter, etc.), then I’m off to work for 8 hours…that’s IF I don’t have therapy appointments to be to for said kids, etc. Then, I get off work at 5:00 pm, go pick up all the kids from 3 different places, go home, attempt to make something for dinner. Do a load of wash, get kids doing their homework, get them bathed, and then it’s time to get the 1 year old down to bed. Right now, I’m the only one that he will let put him to bed…in my bed (I know, I know. He shouldn’t be sleeping in my bed…there’s a whole other post I could write on that.). By the time I get the baby to sleep, I’m absolutely exhausted!!! Last thing I want to do is doing an intense workout, etc.

But…here is how I’m getting through it. Right now my husband is out of work (he’s injured). Therefore, every once in a blue moon, the 1 year old will sit and relax with Dad and I can get a 30 minute yoga session in right now. A month ago, I joined Beachbody. One of the best things I could’ve done. I haven’t been able to run because after 1 1/2 miles, my feet go numb and I don’t feel it safe to run like that. I can’t bike right now because my back injury (that’s another post too. Lol.). But, Beachbody allows me to do a different type of workout every day. I started with the 21 Day Yoga Retreat in hopes that it helps with my back. So, that’s how I’m managing to get a workout in right now. Once my husband goes back to work (don’t know when), it’ll be interesting to see how I’m able to manage to get a workout in then.

Another barrier I have is my anxiety. I know that might sound weird that anxiety stops my workouts, when in reality, anxiety is one of THE BEST things you can do for a workout. 4 years ago I did my first 1/2 Ironman. I was in AWESOME shape. I know what my body is capable. I was running 9:15-9:30 miles. Now when I step on a treadmill or go outside, I’m lucky if I’m faster than a 14:00/mile. That just makes my anxiety shoot through the roof. It’s frustrating seeing where I was 4 years ago and seeing where I am now.

But…here is how I’m getting through it. Like I said a paragraph or 2 ago, I’ve just had to go in a different direction right now. To save myself from going insane, I very rarely go running right now and I don’t have a bike to ride. So, I do Beachbody. And thinking “It’s only 30 minutes” really helps. Right now, with the yoga, I will be watching and doing the stuff in the video and it doesn’t feel like very long and then I look up and the timer says I’m 1/2 way through it. Score!!!

One last of many barriers I have is my eating. I’m an emotional eater. With all of the stresses in my life right now, I like to deal with my anxiety and stress by eating. A big ole piece of cake with TONS of frosting makes me feel better. Plus, my family has issues with portion distortion. My husband made dinner the other night while I did my yoga and I came out and there was a heaping plate of food waiting for me. It was probably 3-4 times the amount than what I was supposed to eat.

But…here is how I’m getting through it. I have to have a mindset before I even sit down to dinner that if there’s too much on my plate, I DO NOT have to eat it all. That plate of food the other night that my husband made…it was DELICIOUS. But I probably only ate 1/3 of it. The rest is divided up in to dishes for me to take for lunch this week. Another thing that helps me is I don’t deprive myself of treats. I will allow myself to have one “sweet” thing to eat a week. I figure if I completely deprive myself of it, I’m eventually going to cave and just binge up everything sweet. We all know THAT’S not good. Another thing I do, is I track all of my food on MyFitnessPal. I’ve been doing that for a long time. That seems to help. The last thing I do is I have started drinking A LOT more water and less soda. No, water isn’t as fun as soda, but if I’m able to cut soda out completely, I know I’ll see the pounds just fall off. I’m down to 1 can of soda a day. Next week, it’ll be none.

So…with all that being said…what’s in your way and keeping you from accomplishing your weight loss goals? What are you doing to get through it?

Being on the Back Burner

For the last 3 years or so I’ve put myself on the back burner. I’ve decided, and my therapist has told me, that being on the back burner is one of the causes of my anxiety.


Sadly, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to change any time soon either. It’s a REAL struggle. Well, and I don’t know how to move myself up to one of the big front burners.

Right now my priority list looks kind of like this:
1. E (almost 1 year old)
2. T & B (14 and 12 yrs old)
3. Husband
4. Money/career

It started when my T told me she was being sexually abused by her stepdad. As soon as I heard that, I automatically put myself at the bottom of the priority list. My priorities shifted and the # 1 priority became getting T & B safe and getting them to a point where they could lead a productive life. A lot of people tell me that because of T & B’s age, they don’t need to be as high on my priority list, but ya’ll don’t understand. Even though T is 14 yrs old, emotionally, she’s about 6 yrs old. Would you leave your 6 yr old at home alone?

Eventually T & B made such great progress, but then I found out I was pregnant, and when E came in to the world, he obviously took a high priority because he’s just an infant/toddler and can’t do much for himself. So, the priorities shifted from T & B being # 1, to them being # 2 and E being # 1.

Then we moved and for whatever reason (there’s many), T regressed A LOT in her therapy (I’ve got another post to talk about that, so now T & E are kind of equal at the # 1 priority spot. B comes in at a close 2nd.

I’ve had a lot of people tell me to think of it like an oxygen mask on an airplane. When you’re  flying, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first, because you’re not gonna be of ANY assistance to anybody if you can’t help yourself first. Well, what if you don’t know how to help yourself? I literally get NO time to myself.

I finally found something that I want that would help give me “me” time and put myself slightly higher on the priority list. I wanted to sign up for Beachbody. My “me” time used to  be working out. Well, finding time to go to the gym is just out of the question right now. But, I really like doing the T-25 workout and stuff, so I wanted to sign up for Beachbody. It’s $99.95 for 1 year. I was gonna sign up, but then we got notice of some unexpected bills that total about $1,200!!!! Oh and these unexpected bills are due IMMEDIATELY and they won’t work with us. So, there goes spending time on me. Because can’t afford $100 when we’ve got bills that need to come first.


The only thing that gives me a little glimmer of hope is I have found  a book that I want to read REALLY bad. It’s called My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry. Have you ever heard of the book? I saw it at Target the other day. But it sounds really good. I want to buy it so I can read it. Now, I’ve just got to find the time to read the book.

How do you spend time on YOU? How do you put YOU higher on the priority list?

Meat Muffins

I’m always on a quest for new recipes & healthy recipes. It helps if it’s a recipe that I can hide veggies in. My kids are SUPER picky and won’t eat any fruits or vegetables if they can see them. For example, the REFUSE to eat cauliflower. Well, I mashed up some cauliflower and mixed it in with our spaghetti sauce the other day & they had NO clue.

So, I had a co-worker share this recipe with me the other day, so I made it for dinner last night. DELICIOUS! He calls them meatballs, I call them meat muffins, because I think it’s more  fun.

1 lb Jenny O Ground Turkey ( I use 93% LEAN)
1 1/8 cup Kraft shredded cheddar cheese Fat Free
1 ½ Gala Apple (Medium) diced
1 Tablespoon Agave Syrup
2 medium Eggs
1 packet Oatfit Maple and Brown Sugar oatmeal
½ tablespoon McCormick Brown Sugar Bourbon seasoning

Preheat the oven with the rack in the center to 375*. In a medium mixing bowl combine all of the ingredients minus 1/8 cup of the shredded cheese. I prefer to use my hands so I can tell when it is consistently combined. Lightly spray a cupcake pan with a “light” cooking spray. Divide the mixture into 11 equal potions formed into balls and placed in the pan. These balls are about a ¼ cup each. I fill the empty spot in the pan with water to help even out the heat.

Place the pan in the oven and cook for approximately 35 minutes.

Carefully remove the pan when they are done and sprinkle the meatballs with the rest of the cheese. Let cool and enjoy.

The hardest part of this recipe is not eating the entire batch by yourself. 🙂 Just the facts:

Each Meatball is approximately:
Calories 116
Fat 3.7g
Saturated Fat 1.3g
Cholesterol  53.9mg
Sodium 173.4mg
Carbohydrates  7.7g
Fiber  1g
Sugars  4.2g
Protein  12.8g
Macros  Carbs-27% Protein-45% Fat 29%

I didn’t have all the exact ingredients. Instead of agave syrup, I just used pure maple syrup and instead of brown sugar  bourbon seasoning, I used a dry rub that I had in my pantry. Oh, and instead of chopping up the apple, I grated it up. I was afraid if there were chunks of apple, the kids would notice it and throw a fit. I think next time I’ll try chunking up the apple, or just using apple sauce. I was REALLY hoping for leftovers to bring for lunch today, but my husband and 11 month old scarfed up the rest.

Do you have a fast, quick recipe you like? If you try this, let me know how it goes. Can you think of other variations to this recipe?

The 2nd Time is More Tough

I’ve been thinking a lot about fitness & why losing weight & exercising this time around is harder than when I originally lost all my weight. I finally figured it out the other day. But I don’t know how to get past it. 

The first time i lost weight, I had no way of gauging how good i would be. I didn’t have anything to compare my improvements or sets backs to. Now I do. 

When I first started out 8 years ago, I didn’t have a heart rate monitor. I didn’t have any way of gauging how fast I was running,  nothing. I mean,  the first time I felt like a runner is when I ran almost a full mile without stopping. 

8 yrs ago,  going from a 15 min mile to a 14 min mile was a HUGE accomplishment. I didn’t know what my body was capable of. I did eventually get to a point that I could run a 9:30 pace. 

Now, 8 yrs later, after getting married, gaining 2 stepkids with A LOT of baggage & going through 1 pregnancy & having the cutest baby boy on earth,  I’ve gained back about 80-85 lbs of the 114 lbs I’ve lost. 

Now, when I go to step on a treadmill & it takes everything I have to run a 14:30 pace, it’s discouraging knowing that my body is capable of a 9:30 pace,  but I struggle. It’s tough to see how far I’ve got to go to get back to where I was.

I’ll admit,  there are days that it would just be easier to stay fat & not worry about working out.

To be honest, I’m embarrassed I’ve gained so much weight back. I’ll admit,  I’ve been one of those people that when I’ve seen someone I haven’t seen in a long time & they’ve gained a lot of weight,  I’ll whisper to my husband or someone else that “look at so&so. They’ve gained a lot of weight”. I’m terribly embarrassed that I’ve done that & I’m sure people are saying that about me now. 

There is a nightclub here in SLC that I used to go to. They watched me go through my first weight loss. I’m embarrassed to go back,  because i don’t want them think I’ve thrown myself away (honestly I probably have but that’s another post).

So my question to all is how do you get past all this?  How do I not compare myself to my old self?  How do I not be embarrassed about my weight gain? 

Anxiety vs. Weight Loss

Ok, so if you know me at all, or have followed my blog very much, you know I have anxiety & depression. Both my husband & I decided that I needed to get back in to therapy for it. Not only for my anxiety & depression, but to learn how to help my kids even more. 

I found out that my therapist that I used to see 15 yrs ago is covered on my insurance, so I went ahead & made an appointment. Yesterday was my first appointment with him. My husband went with me. 

Of course i had to get there early & fill out all the paperwork. It was determined my depression was moderate to severe. Then J (the therapist) looked at the anxiety one & said “WHOA!!!” It’s off the charts. The lower the score, the better. The highest score you can get is 21. Guess what my score was? Yup, 21!

It was brought up that before i met my husband & when we were first dating & before he got custody of his kids i was a totally different person. It was because I was actively training. I was always going to the gym & doing races. Once we got custody of his kids, etc, working out has taken a back burner. 

J asked how much weight I’ve gained since my husband & i have been together, etc & I said about 75 lbs. I’m 2009, my heaviest was 275, then in 2010 I got all the way down to 156. I just weighed myself the other day & I’m at 238.1. J actually told me congrats because my weight could be worse. 

I was told I need to start doing more for myself. If it means working out at 11 pm because that’s when I have the time,  that’s what i have to do. 

My husband mentioned that I’m tok focused on the # on the scale too. Honestly,  I’m scared to death that I’m not going to be loved by him because I’ve gained weight & I’m not as thin as I was when we met. He keeps reassuring me that’s not gonna happen, but with anxiety,  you always have that thought in your head. 

When my husband mentioned to J that I’m too focused on the scale he told me that’s the least of my worries right now. If exercising helps my anxiety, I need to workout for that, NOT to lose weight. I said “but I’m a numbers person. That’s how I see progress. By the number going down on the scale.” J then pointed out that I’ve got a # with my anxiety too & that’s the score of 21. I need to lower that # instead. 

So, this poses the question…if getting my anxiety under control is more important than weight loss…do I eat whatever I want (If that’s what gives me comfort, etc) & workout & if I happen to lose weight,  that’s a bonus? Or do I still watch what i eat & workout & hope it helps my anxiety?  Does that make sense? 

What are your thoughts on this? Do you ever deal with anxiety?

A Goal

Since everybody has been talking about what their goals or new years resolutions are, I’ve honestly been trying to think of one. 

Like I mentioned yesterday, one of them for the month of January is to text my friend every day one thing i like about myself. Today it was that I like how fast I can type. 

I have set another goal though. By no later than kid August, I want to be able to ride my bike up Emigration Canyon without a struggle. 

It’s not the hardest to ride up, but if you’re out of shape like me,  it’s tough. I’ve done it before. I want to do it again. Side note: it sucks riding the canyon on a Sat morning because you smell the bacon frying at Ruth’s (once featured on Diners, Drive Ins & Dives).

This is the view from the top. To the left of this picture you can see Little Dell  (a popular fishing spot). To the right, you see the Salt Lake valley. 

My only problem with this goal is…when we moved I sold my time trial bike. I think my mom & dad still have my old road bike & if they do,  that’ll have to do. 

What are your goals for the new year?