Tunes!

So, I’m at work right now and listening to a playlist I made on YouTube. I’ve put it on shuffle. I thought it would be fun to share with you the next 10 songs that come on and tell you how I feel about them or what memory I associate with them. ūüôā Music is definitely one of my forms of therapy. It can totally pull me out of a crappy day.

  • Bad, Bad Leroy Brown by Jim Croce – Love this song. It reminds me of when I took tap/ballet when I was a kid. This was one of the songs we danced to. I still remember about 2 of the moves. Haha!
  • In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins – I’m actually kind of tired of this song. I should remove it from my playlist. It was a big hit at the dueling piano bar I used to go to because it was in the movie The Hangover.
  • Send Me to Glory in a Glad Bag by Voice Male – This song just makes me smile. It was done by an LDS music group. The song isn’t very churchy, but it’s cute. You should totally listen to it.
  • Footloose by Kenny Loggins – Here’s a little bit of trivia…this movie was filmed about 30 minutes away from where I live. One of Utah’s claim to fame’s! I’m a child of the 80s, so I LOVE this song. Makes me wanna just get up and dance!!
  • Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen – I haven’t found a Queen song that I don’t like. This song makes me want to jump & jive in my seat. ūüôā
  • Enter Sandman by Metallica – The intro to this song just KICKS ASS!!! I first heard this song at Keys on Main and ever since, it’s been one of my favorites.
  • Something There from Beauty & the Beast – Haha! Shows how versatile my playlist is. I love a good Disney song. Hell, I remember when this movie first came out. I can tell you exactly what theater I went to and who¬†I went with. Going to this movie was my payment for a babysitting gig. Lol. On a side note…if you haven’t seen the new version of this movie…GO!!! It’s AWESOME!!! They did a great job with it.
  • Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson – Michael was a VERY talented musician. Whenever I hear this song I think of a Halloween a couple of years back at Keys on Main. George dressed up as Michael Jackson and sang all of Michael’s songs. He sounded just like him. I’ve got a picture of it somewhere.
  • I Think We’re Alone Now by Tommy James and the Shondells – My favorite version of this song was done by Tiffany back in the late 80s, early 90s. I’ve got that version of this song on my playlist too. It just reminds me of when I was a kid. My grandma and grandpa used to take me and my cousin camping every year and I remember being in the campground by the picnic table and my cousin making up a dance to this song. Lol.
  • Just¬†Give Me a Reason by Pink ft. Nate Ruess – Wow! I love this song. If you really listen to this song, it’s about a couple who have set their love aside and now they’re trying¬†to find it again. Won’t go in to much detail, but I totally resonate with this song right now.

So…there’s my 10 songs. Do you have a favorite song?

Music

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Crazy Monday

Today has been a crazy day. It started out bright & early with a doctor appt for my back. This is where i got my 2nd opinion. This doctor seemed to be better. She wants to treat my back more aggressively. 

The doctor looked at my MRI & x-rays & we came to the conclusion that yes, i have a bulging disc & it’s not hitting any nerves…yet. Unless i go running. So, running is out of the question for now. 

The doctor wants me to do more injections, like i did last time. But in a different spot in my back to see if that helps. She also wants me to try a different form of physical therapy. She wants me to do pool therapy. Let’s hope my swim suit still fits. Lol. It’ll be nice to get back in the water. My first therapy session is in 1 week. 

The doctor also gave me pain meds to help throughout the day & a muscle relaxer to help at night. So, we will see how that goes. 

I got to work & actually got somewhat caught up. I got some decent hours in today. That’s nice cause lately i’ve been struggling to get all my hours in. Thankfully my job has been patient with me & willing to work with me. 

For whatever reason, after i got home from work, my anxiety shot through the roof. I’m not sure why either. Sometimes i can pinpoint why my anxiety is flaring, sometimes i can’t. Today was the latter of the two. 

I don’t know if it’s because i’m in some insane pain with my back tonight & i’m just tired of it or what. I tried to do a PiYo workout tonight & i made it 8 min before the anxiety got the better of me & i threw in the towel. 

I feel bad because i want to be a motivation to people & i want to lose weight, but i feel like i’m disappointing alot of people too. 

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day. It’s going to be a GREAT day & i’m going to get stuff done. 

How was your Monday?

Weight Loss Barriers

I know I’ve touched on this before, but I’ve found prompts on what to blog about and this seemed like a good one. Especially with my place in life right now.

We ALL have barriers with weight loss in one way or another. Everybody’s is different. I lost weight 9 years ago and dropped 114 lbs., but have gained it back since (long story). But, I’m at it again, but I’ve got my barriers.

Weight Loss BarrierI think the first trick is to identify what your barriers are and then you can work on getting past those barriers. Oh, I’ve been able to EASILY identify my barriers. But getting past those barriers has been the tough thing for me.

One of the things that stands in my way is I haven’t found a balance between me time and family time yet. I’ve got a 14 year old, a 12 year old and a¬†1 year old. The 14 and 12 year old are special needs, so that doesn’t make it any easier. The 1 year old, he’s just a 1 year old learning to explore this new world he’s in. My life is VERY busy. I get up at 6:00 a.m. to get the kids ready for school, get them all off to where they need to go (school, therapy, babysitter, etc.), then I’m off to work for 8 hours…that’s IF I don’t have therapy appointments to be to for said kids, etc. Then, I get off work at 5:00 pm, go pick up all the kids from 3 different places, go home, attempt to make something for dinner. Do a load of wash, get kids doing their homework, get them bathed, and then it’s time to get the 1 year old down to bed. Right now, I’m the only one that he will let put him to bed…in my bed (I know, I know. He shouldn’t be sleeping in my bed…there’s a whole other post I could write on that.). By the time I get the baby to sleep, I’m absolutely exhausted!!! Last thing I want to do is doing an intense workout, etc.

But…here is how I’m getting through it. Right now my husband is out of work (he’s injured). Therefore, every once in a blue moon, the 1 year old will sit and relax with Dad and I can get a 30 minute yoga session in right now. A month ago, I joined Beachbody. One of the best things I could’ve done. I haven’t been able to run because after 1 1/2 miles, my feet go numb and I don’t feel it safe to run like that. I can’t bike right now because my back injury (that’s another post too. Lol.). But, Beachbody allows me to do a different type of workout every day. I started with the 21 Day Yoga Retreat in hopes that it helps with my back. So, that’s how I’m managing to get a workout in right now. Once my husband goes back to work (don’t know when), it’ll be interesting to see how I’m able to manage to get a workout in then.

Another¬†barrier I have is my anxiety. I know that might sound weird that anxiety stops my workouts, when in reality, anxiety is one of THE BEST things you can do for a workout. 4 years ago I did my first 1/2 Ironman. I was in AWESOME shape. I know what my body is capable. I was running 9:15-9:30 miles. Now when I step on a treadmill or go outside, I’m lucky if I’m faster than¬†a 14:00/mile. That just makes my anxiety shoot¬†through the roof. It’s frustrating seeing where I was 4 years ago and seeing where I am now.

But…here is how I’m getting through it. Like I said a paragraph or 2 ago, I’ve just had to go in a different direction right now. To save myself from going insane, I very rarely go running right now and I don’t have a bike to ride. So, I do Beachbody. And thinking “It’s only 30 minutes” really helps.¬†Right now, with the yoga, I will be watching and doing the stuff in the video and it doesn’t feel like very long and then I look up and the timer says I’m 1/2 way through it. Score!!!

One last of many barriers I have is my eating. I’m an emotional eater. With all of the stresses in my life right now, I like to deal with my anxiety and stress by eating. A big ole piece of cake with TONS of frosting makes me feel better. Plus, my family has issues with portion distortion. My husband made dinner the other night while I did my yoga and I came out and there was a heaping plate of food waiting for me. It was probably 3-4 times the amount than what I was supposed to eat.

But…here is how I’m¬†getting through it. I have to have a mindset before I even sit down to dinner that if there’s too much on my plate, I DO NOT have to eat it all. That plate of food the other night that my husband made…it was DELICIOUS. But I probably only ate 1/3 of it. The rest is divided up in to dishes for me to take for lunch this week. Another thing that helps me is I don’t deprive myself of treats. I will allow myself to have one “sweet” thing to eat a week. I figure if I completely deprive myself of it, I’m eventually going to cave and just binge up everything sweet. We all know THAT’S not good. Another thing I do, is I track all of my food on MyFitnessPal. I’ve been doing that for a long time. That seems to help. The last thing I do is I have started drinking A LOT more water and less soda. No, water isn’t as fun as soda, but if I’m able to cut soda out completely, I know I’ll see the pounds just fall off. I’m down to 1 can of soda a day. Next week, it’ll be none.

So…with all that being said…what’s in your way and keeping you from accomplishing your weight loss goals? What are you doing to get through it?

Stick a Fork in Me…

Stick a fork in me…I’m DONE.
Stick a fork in me

It just seems like I can’t catch a break worth shit. Let me give you a little glimpse in to my life the past 1-2 months.

T ended up going in to residential therapy for 2 1/2 weeks. That was REALLY good for her. She has now stepped down to day treatment. Things seem to be going well. She is now home in the evenings, but is at day treatment and school from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Monday – Friday. So, before I get to work in the morning I’ve got to help get 3 kids ready for the day, drop off E at the babysitter (grandma & grandpa’s), rush T out to school/therapy. Get B dropped off at school and then get to work. We like to be out the door by 7:30 a.m. I get the kids up at 6:30 a.m., and it takes B 55 minutes to get ready in the morning. He’s 12!!!! What the hell takes him so long? If he keeps it up, I’m gonna wake him up at 4:30 a.m. so that we can get out the door on time. It’s RIDICULOUS.

I manage to walk in to work between 8:30-9:00 a.m. I’m lucky if I get a full day of work in. Usually I have to leave for therapy appointments for the kids or to take my husband to the doctor because he had surgery on his shoulder a month ago.

Usually my husband ends up taking the car and dropping me off at work so he has the car to go to physical therapy etc. But then come 4:00-4:30, time to leave to go get T from therapy and pick up B & E from their separate babysitters.

As soon as we get home, I attempt to start on dinner while the kids take the dogs out and do any of their chores. We’ve been having lots of visitors at our house from the church lately, so it’s a rush to try & get the house looking semi-presentable for the visitors, plus try & eat dinner too. Plus, with a 1 yr old being active, gotta make sure he doesn’t eat the dog food or play in the dogs water, etc. Gotta make sure the kids are working on their homework, if they have any. All whilst making dinner & praying I don’t burn it.

The visitors come over, so T takes the dogs back in to¬†her room so the dogs don’t go crazy on the visitors. The visitors could come over to talk to me, but inevitably, the conversation turns to my husband and they talk to him more because he’s injured. Little do they know that I’m injured too.

Finally get the visitors to leave and it’s time to get E to go down for the night. I’m the only one who can do that, so off we go to the back bedroom to sit in bed and rock him with lullabies. Some nights it’s not a fight, some night’s it’s World War 3 trying to get him to bed. He’s finally asleep, and I’m so exhausted from doing EVERYTHING that I crash shortly thereafter.

Oh, and if I’m lucky, somewhere in there, I might be able to get my 20-30 minutes of yoga in. But watch out, that frustrates me & stresses me out.

Everybody else is getting taken care of and is getting some sort of attention for them to feel better. My husband goes to physical therapy, T & B go to therapy, E just gets TONS of lovin’ from his grandma & grandpa…what do I get? NOTHING.

Oh and let’s not forget, we have to add in temper tantrums from B and possibly T because they are overwhelmed or they don’t want to do what they’ve been¬†asked. Or they’ve stolen something & we’ve caught them.

When am I going to get as much attention as everyone else? My husband can’t do much around the house because he’s still in a sling from his shoulder surgery, but I can’t take much more.

I’ve got a herniated disc in my back between L5 and S1. I went in for an epidural on 4/18/17 to help it…yea, it didn’t help. I’m in excruciating pain almost 24/7. It doesn’t help that the day I got the epidural, I didn’t have a chance to sit down and rest for it to take effect, because of everything else listed above. I’m not going to be able to call the doctor until my husband is back to 100% because if they say surgery is the next option, I can’t be out for surgery when he is still recovering. Hell, I can’t even afford to take time off to go to a doctor appointment. I’m so behind at work because I have to take time off for everyone else’s appointments (good thing my work is AWESOME and doesn’t mind).

I seriously need to escape to a cabin in the woods where nobody needs anything and there is a maid there to do everything for me. I’ve seriously reached my limit. I tell people this every damn day, but nothing gets done.

 

Meet the Blogger Questionnaire

I was catching up on all of my blogs that I follow and TheDancingRunner did this little questionnaire. So I thought it would be a fun blog post.

Info-

Name: Ara

Age: 37

Gender: Female

A selfie-

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Not a fan of selfie’s, so here’s an older pic.

Favorites-

Food: Nachos!

Drink: Uhhh…Diet Coke, Mountain Dew and Water

Book: Right now I’m reading “My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry” and it’s REALLY good.

Song: Scene’s From an Italian Restaurant

Movie: The one movie I’ve watched over & over & over again and still love is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Band:¬† Hmmmm…that’s a good question. There’s not a lot of bands that I DON’T like. I don’t know if I could pinpoint a favorite.

Solo Artist: Billy Joel

Place: Las Vegas

Subject: Math & fitness

Sport: I like to watch hockey & basketball.

Actor: Tom Hanks

Actress: I don’t think there’s a movie by Jennifer Anniston I don’t like. So…her.

Life –

Schooling: I’ve been to college countless times, but have had to drop out for various reasons and have never been able to go back.

BF: Best friend? Boyfriend?? Not sure what this means.

Political ideology: We won’t get in to that here.

Religion: Christian.

Tattoos: 7. And I want more.

Piercings: I’ve just got 1 in each ear.

Languages: Just English. I tried to take Spanish in junior high and high school, but failed miserably at it.

Reason behind your blog name: I got in to triathlons and it’s helped my anxiety & depression immensely. It honestly helps me survive the deep dark hell of anxiety & depression.

Why you blog: I want people to hear my weight loss story. I want people to hear my current story & know they’re not alone¬†if they have the same battles.

 

Throwback Thursday – Baby E

Today is a special throwback Thursday. Today is my son’s 1st birthday! One year ago today at 12:19 p.m., I delivered Baby E via C-section.

easton-brand-new1

I had gotten induced at 10:00 a.m. the previous morning and had only progressed to 4 cm, so we decided to take him via C-section. Because of when my water broke, I could have held out a couple more hours to see if I would progress at all, but I just knew my body wasn’t going to. So, off to the O.R. we went.

happy-1st-birthday

It’s been a wild ride being E’s mom. The first few months were rough, but once we got the hang of life, it’s been better.

easton-2-months

I have absolutely LOVED watching him grow and change and learn new things, but it makes me terribly sad too. I’ve honestly spent most of today VERY depressed and crying because of it.

buddah-baby
He weighed 7 lbs 11 oz when he was born. But this picture makes him look like a buddah baby. I love it!

 

He is SUCH¬† good eater. So far, the only thing he doesn’t like is tuna fish and oranges (sometimes). We will feed him his baby/toddler¬†food¬†for breakfast, lunch & dinner and then he comes over and is a nuisance until we share OUR dinner with him. Lol. It’s weird when R and I go out on a date, I expect to hear E yell¬†at me to share my food. So, when it’s quiet, it’s weird.

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This is one of the more recent pictures I have of him. This picture was taken 1 month ago at the zoo. He’s SO close to walking, it’s scary. He’ll take 3 or 4 steps, and then realize he’s walked and will hurry & sit down. Haha! It’s rather funny.

E LOVES to look at the fish in the fish tank at home and he loves to go to Cabela’s or the Aquarium and look at the fish (therefore he’s having a fish themed birthday party).

He’s still not sleeping through the night, but we are working on that. We’re working on having him sleep in his crib too. It break’s mama’s heart to hear him cry & be so mad that I’ve left him in his crib to sleep instead of snuggling with me.

He LOVES to snuggle with me and his grandpa. His grandpa is his other favorite person. He LOVES spending time over at Grandma & Grandpa’s house.

This past year has been such a trip for me though. When I had him, we decided to have my tubes tied. If I could go back and change ONE thing, I wouldn’t have had that done. Can my husband and I afford more kids? Nope. But, I hate knowing that this is the only 1st birthday party I get to throw. This is the only baby I will ever get to have. I won’t have the opportunity to feel another human move around inside me (I miss that like CRAZY). Like I said, I know we can’t afford more kids, plus pregnancy was extremely hard for me, but I wish I still had the option. E is my husband’s 3rd child, so this will be his 3rd 1st birthday party he gets to help plan, etc. It’s my one and only and I’m really struggling with¬†it.

Like I said earlier, I LOVE to see E learn new things and progress and stuff like that. But it kills me that I don’t get to have any more babies.

Other moms, have you dealt with this kind of guilt/sadness? If so, how do you deal with it or get over it?

You Are Enough

One of my friends shared this post on Facebook yesterday and I just broke down crying. I needed to hear it. I figured if I needed to hear it, others needed to hear it too, so I got permission from the writer to share it.

crying

To the mom hiding in¬† her bathroom, needing peace for just one minute,as the tears roll down her checks…

To the mom who is so tired she feels like she can’t function anymore and would do anything to lay down and get the¬† rest she needs…

To the mom sitting in her car, alone, stuffing food in her face because she doesn’t want anyone else to see or know she eats that¬† stuff…

To the mom crying on the couch after she yelled¬† at her kids for something little and is now feeling guilty and like she is unworthy…

To the mom that is trying desperately to put those old jeans on because all she really wants is to look in the mirror and feel good about herself…

To the mom that doesn’t want to leave the house because life is just too much to handle right now…

To the mom that is calling out for pizza again because dinner just didn’t happen the way she wanted it to…

To the mom that feels alone, whether in a room by herself or standing in a crowd…

You are enough.

You are important.

You are worthy.

This is a phase of life for us. This is a really, really hard, challenging, crazy phase of life.

In the end it will all be worth it. But for now, it’s hard. And it’s hard for so many of us in many different ways. We don’t always talk about it, but it’s¬† hard and it’s not just you.

You are enough.

You are doing your best.

Those little eyes that look up at you – they think you are perfect. They think you are more than enough.

Those little hands that reach out to hold you – they think you are the strongest. They think you can conquer the world.

Those little mouths eating the food you gave them – they think that you are the best because their bellies are full.

Those little hearts that reach out to touch yours – they don’t want anything more. They just want you.

Because you are enough. You are more than enough, mama.

You. Are. Amazing.

By: Bethany Jacobs