Today is a special throwback Thursday. Today is my son’s 1st birthday! One year ago today at 12:19 p.m., I delivered Baby E via C-section.
I had gotten induced at 10:00 a.m. the previous morning and had only progressed to 4 cm, so we decided to take him via C-section. Because of when my water broke, I could have held out a couple more hours to see if I would progress at all, but I just knew my body wasn’t going to. So, off to the O.R. we went.
It’s been a wild ride being E’s mom. The first few months were rough, but once we got the hang of life, it’s been better.
I have absolutely LOVED watching him grow and change and learn new things, but it makes me terribly sad too. I’ve honestly spent most of today VERY depressed and crying because of it.
He is SUCH good eater. So far, the only thing he doesn’t like is tuna fish and oranges (sometimes). We will feed him his baby/toddler food for breakfast, lunch & dinner and then he comes over and is a nuisance until we share OUR dinner with him. Lol. It’s weird when R and I go out on a date, I expect to hear E yell at me to share my food. So, when it’s quiet, it’s weird.
This is one of the more recent pictures I have of him. This picture was taken 1 month ago at the zoo. He’s SO close to walking, it’s scary. He’ll take 3 or 4 steps, and then realize he’s walked and will hurry & sit down. Haha! It’s rather funny.
E LOVES to look at the fish in the fish tank at home and he loves to go to Cabela’s or the Aquarium and look at the fish (therefore he’s having a fish themed birthday party).
He’s still not sleeping through the night, but we are working on that. We’re working on having him sleep in his crib too. It break’s mama’s heart to hear him cry & be so mad that I’ve left him in his crib to sleep instead of snuggling with me.
He LOVES to snuggle with me and his grandpa. His grandpa is his other favorite person. He LOVES spending time over at Grandma & Grandpa’s house.
This past year has been such a trip for me though. When I had him, we decided to have my tubes tied. If I could go back and change ONE thing, I wouldn’t have had that done. Can my husband and I afford more kids? Nope. But, I hate knowing that this is the only 1st birthday party I get to throw. This is the only baby I will ever get to have. I won’t have the opportunity to feel another human move around inside me (I miss that like CRAZY). Like I said, I know we can’t afford more kids, plus pregnancy was extremely hard for me, but I wish I still had the option. E is my husband’s 3rd child, so this will be his 3rd 1st birthday party he gets to help plan, etc. It’s my one and only and I’m really struggling with it.
Like I said earlier, I LOVE to see E learn new things and progress and stuff like that. But it kills me that I don’t get to have any more babies.
Other moms, have you dealt with this kind of guilt/sadness? If so, how do you deal with it or get over it?