Being on the Back Burner

For the last 3 years or so I’ve put myself on the back burner. I’ve decided, and my therapist has told me, that being on the back burner is one of the causes of my anxiety.

back-burner

Sadly, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to change any time soon either. It’s a REAL struggle. Well, and I don’t know how to move myself up to one of the big front burners.

Right now my priority list looks kind of like this:
1. E (almost 1 year old)
2. T & B (14 and 12 yrs old)
3. Husband
4. Money/career

It started when my T told me she was being sexually abused by her stepdad. As soon as I heard that, I automatically put myself at the bottom of the priority list. My priorities shifted and the # 1 priority became getting T & B safe and getting them to a point where they could lead a productive life. A lot of people tell me that because of T & B’s age, they don’t need to be as high on my priority list, but ya’ll don’t understand. Even though T is 14 yrs old, emotionally, she’s about 6 yrs old. Would you leave your 6 yr old at home alone?

Eventually T & B made such great progress, but then I found out I was pregnant, and when E came in to the world, he obviously took a high priority because he’s just an infant/toddler and can’t do much for himself. So, the priorities shifted from T & B being # 1, to them being # 2 and E being # 1.

Then we moved and for whatever reason (there’s many), T regressed A LOT in her therapy (I’ve got another post to talk about that, so now T & E are kind of equal at the # 1 priority spot. B comes in at a close 2nd.

I’ve had a lot of people tell me to think of it like an oxygen mask on an airplane. When you’re  flying, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first, because you’re not gonna be of ANY assistance to anybody if you can’t help yourself first. Well, what if you don’t know how to help yourself? I literally get NO time to myself.

I finally found something that I want that would help give me “me” time and put myself slightly higher on the priority list. I wanted to sign up for Beachbody. My “me” time used to  be working out. Well, finding time to go to the gym is just out of the question right now. But, I really like doing the T-25 workout and stuff, so I wanted to sign up for Beachbody. It’s $99.95 for 1 year. I was gonna sign up, but then we got notice of some unexpected bills that total about $1,200!!!! Oh and these unexpected bills are due IMMEDIATELY and they won’t work with us. So, there goes spending time on me. Because can’t afford $100 when we’ve got bills that need to come first.

low-priority

The only thing that gives me a little glimmer of hope is I have found  a book that I want to read REALLY bad. It’s called My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry. Have you ever heard of the book? I saw it at Target the other day. But it sounds really good. I want to buy it so I can read it. Now, I’ve just got to find the time to read the book.

How do you spend time on YOU? How do you put YOU higher on the priority list?

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2 thoughts on “Being on the Back Burner”

  1. Try to find just 5 minutes for yourself. Do something that you love and never have time to do . Start there and then work your way up. As they say, you have to put your own oxygen mask on yourself before you can assist others.

    1. You know what sad, is I’m not sure if I know what I love to do any more. It’s been SO long. My therapist asked me what my hobbies are at my last visit and my answer was “I don’t know. Being a mom?”. I’m hoping that if I go buy this book, that’ll help. Even if I just read for 5 minutes.

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