Yesterday was a good day. Today is starting out as a good day, but it could change at any minute. Last week was a BAD week. When I say bad, I mean REALLY bad. Oh the joys of living with anxiety and being a bi-polar manic depressive.
I am currently on Cymbalta for my depression and I take Buspar for my anxiety. I also have Xanax that I can take if I feel like my anxiety is off the charts and the Buspar isn’t helping. One thing I don’t like about the Xanax is it takes about 45 – 60 minutes for it to kick in. With the Cymbalta and Buspar, I’ve been on it for a year or so now, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but my body has become immune to those medications now and it is no longer working. Hence why last week was a bad week. This is the third or fourth medication I’ve been on since I was diagnosed 20 years ago. I’ve also been on Effexor and one other medication that I can’t remember what it’s called.
Lately it doesn’t take much for me to get overwhelmed and feel a lot of pressure. It doesn’t take much to send me over the edge. Once I’m over the “edge” I feel like I’m in one giant spiral down to hell and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Nobody can say anything to make me feel better, nothing helps…but sleep. Sleep is what I do when I have anxiety. Why? That’s the only time I don’t have anxiety.
I remember multiple days last week where I would wake up and feel just fine for the first half of the morning and then one simple thing whether it be something posted on Facebook, something a coworker said, it didn’t matter, but that would send me in to the downward spiral and I was SUPER depressed and then the anxiety would kick in.
Friday my anxiety was SO bad that after work when I was supposed to go to the gym, I called it a rest day/mental health day and went home and went to bed. Yes, I went to bed at 6:30 p.m. Sunday was supposed to be my rest day, but instead, my rest day was Friday.
Sunday, my workout was what my Saturday workout was supposed to be, a 2 hour bike ride. Since it was raining off and on all day, I knew I was going to have to hook up my bike trainer in my bedroom and ride for 2 hours. I slept almost all day because I had anxiety about the bike ride. Why? It’s VERY boring to sit on a bike going nowhere for 2 hrs. If I was given intervals, that’s different. I can break it up like that. After about 5 minutes on the bike, I called my dad crying because the anxiety was too much. I was even having anxiety about what to make for dinner that night!! I was also having anxiety because ever since I moved out, all of my local friends have seriously abandoned me. I never hear from them. I try and call them, they don’t answer. I try and text them, they don’t respond. It gets very lonely living on my own. I don’t talk to anybody; I don’t have a lot of interaction with anybody else. You can see my post here about being lonely as well. Yes, that’s how bad my anxiety gets. Thinking of what to make for dinner can send me over the “edge”.
To be honest with you, I don’t want to go to the doctor. Why? That costs money that could be spent elsewhere. I’ve got a $25 co-pay and then Lord only knows what new prescription I’m going to get and whether or not my insurance covers that prescription. But…yesterday I bit the bullet and called my doctor. I’ve got an appointment tomorrow. I’m sure there will be a blog post about how the appointment went. Right now, it’s just my family practioner that prescribes my medication for my depression and anxiety. I really wish I could go to a psychiatrist for it though. I know that going to therapy would help my coping skills and everything immensely, the only downside is, and my insurance doesn’t cover it until you meet your $1,000 deductible. Well guess what? I don’t have $1,000 to fork out right now. How about you?
So, hopefully today will stay a good day and tomorrow I’ll get in to the doctor and get some new meds that will hopefully work.