Brutally Honest

In the summary of my blog it says my blog is about doing triathlons, and dealing with my depression and anxiety. I NEVER want to sugar coat anything. I try really hard to be a positive person. Some people might think otherwise, but I really do try and be positive.

Well, it’s time to be brutally honest. I apologize in advance if this post comes off as being very negative and that I’m complaining, but what is going to be said needs to be said. I think alot of people think I have a good life and that alot of it is peaches and cream. Well, this post is going to show you that it’s not.

The past couple of weeks I have been struggling. Bad. I don’t know how to shake this “funk”. I know something needs to change, but I’m not sure what.

I always get depressed around Christmas time, but this year it seems to be more of a struggle. One of the reasons I struggle is because my family doesn’t do much for the holidays. Most families have family parties, big get-togethers, etc., but my family doesn’t. I did nothing on Christmas Eve. I went to bed at 7:00 pm on Christmas Eve. This year for Christmas I was dogsitting, so on Christmas morning, I woke up, got my workout in, and then went out to my parents house. We opened presents and then kind of went our separate ways.

This year for Christmas, we were lucky that our Christmas tree even got put up. It seems like with my family, everything and anything is becoming more important than family, and that really bothers me. I’ve tried talking to my family about this, but it’s just not important to them.

Another reason I’ve been struggling is because I feel like I’m not important…to anybody. To some people, that might not be a big deal. To me, it is. It is important for me to feel important. I want need to be somebody’s priority. I have no one like that in my life. My parents don’t get that. We got in a HUGE blowout argument yesterday about this. My parents don’t understand what it’s like to be 33 years old, living in Utah, single, and living with your parents. They don’t understand that I need to feel important.

In Utah, the majority of the population is Mormon. In the Mormon culture, when you turn 19 (now 18) for men, you go on a 2 year mission, then you come home and get married. It is not uncommon for women to get married shortly out of high school. So, me being 33 years old and single, is very uncommon. I feel very shunned and looked down upon because of that. Now, I’m not saying that I want to get married right away, because I’m happy being single. Alot of times I don’t want to get married. The lifestyle of being a triathlete is very tough and it’s hard to have a dating life, etc. Currently, being a triathlete is more important to me than being married; however, that does not change that I need to be someone’s priority and my parents don’t get that. Alot of people don’t get that.

Another part of our argument the other day is I need a support system. I feel like I don’t have a full support system from my family. This year, I did quite a few races. My mom went to 2 of them. TWO! Yes, my dad went to more, but why didn’t my mom go to them? Well because a couple of them, we had to camp and my mom doesn’t camp. So, her comfort is more important than supporting me? That’s how it comes across. My parents don’t understand that it REALLY sucks when I get online to DailyMile or Twitter and I see all these posts where people say “I went running with so & so today or I went to the gym and had a swim workout with so & so today…” and I have no one. No, I don’t want to have a workout buddy every day, because sometimes when I workout that is my “Me” time. That’s when I get to contemplate life and everything that’s going on, but you know, sometimes it would be nice to have a workout buddy. To me, that is support. At the gym I currently go to, when ever I renew my membership, I get 10 free passes. At least once a week I ask my mom & dad if they’ll go to the gym with me, and you’d be amazed at the excuses they come up with. To me, support is going to the gym with me. They don’t get that.

All of my workout friends are online. I have ZERO friends in my geographical area that understand me and the lifestyle I live. That is very depressing.

I want to clear another thing up. My family and my non-active friends think that since I’ve been doing triathlons and 1/2 marathons, etc. now for 3, almost 4 years that it is easy for me to go to the gym. They think it’s easy for me to go out and run 6 or 10 miles. They think I don’t struggle any more with working out. They think I don’t understand what it’s like to be them and to be overweight and to struggle with going to the gym, etc. They are SO very wrong. I still struggle on a daily basis. It’s not always easy for me to go to the gym. I’ve had many panic/anxiety attacks over a workout. Last Wednesday, my coach had me do a total of 3400 yards in the swimming pool. For me that is VERY overwhelming. Just thinking of 3400 yards is a very overwhelming feeling. Yes, I got it done, but it was tough. I just want my friends to realize that I still struggle. It’s not all peaches & cream. I wish it was.

Last but not least, one of my dreams came crashing down to the ground yesterday. For me, it is very demoralizing to be 33 years old and still living at home. I thought with my new job and making more money that I’d be able to afford to move out. Well, technically I could. I could move out in to a 1 bedroom apartment for $620 a month, but that would leave me to not be able to afford to do ANY races. What’s the point of training and working out if you can’t race? I wouldn’t be able to afford to go up to Boise for my 70.3 in June. I thought maybe I could withdrawl money from my 401k to pay off my debt, but in the long run, I would lose ALOT of money towards my retirement. I’m trying to prepare myself now for retirement in 30 years so that I’m not dependant on the government or anything like that when I can retire. I feel like preparing for my retirement so I can be independent in 35 years, makes it so I suffer now. I am going to try and find a roommate so I can at least move out, but once again, living in Utah and having it be predominantly Mormon, they want a Mormon roommate, which I am not. There are a few posting out there where they don’t care if you drink, etc., but it just makes me all around nervous to move in with someone I don’t know. How do you know if they’re crazy or not or they’re going to take advantage of you? I guess you have to take your chances.

I just feel like I have NOTHING going for me in my life. I want to be able to travel. I need to feel important to someone, and I have nothing. I don’t know how to change things so that I’m happy with my life. With the exception of working out and doing triathlons, I am NOT happy. I want to be happy. I truly do. But, I don’t know how to be happy. I know I have to be the one to figure out what makes me happy, but I just feel like I’m living in a very dark place right now. I’ll be honest with you, yesterday the bottle of Xanax was looking pretty good. It would have been very easy to finish off that bottle of Xanax; however, at least I have some sense of knowing that wasn’t the right thing to do. In the long run, it would have NOT made anything any better. It would have been very selfish of me to do that.

I just don’t know what to do…

If you know anyone struggling with depression, anxiety, suicide or they need someone to talk to, please have them call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255, or please leave me a comment or email me. I will always have a listening ear. It is better than ignoring their issues.