Struggles

In my description of this blog it says I will talk about not just my triathlons and running, but I’ll talk about my journey through depression and anxiety. I don’t post too much about my depression and anxiety because for the most part, I feel like I have it under control; however, yesterday was a BAD day.

I woke up yesterday morning and was told that the battery on my car was dead and I was going to need a new one. I could just see dollar signs…dollar signs I can’t afford. Since I got a financial advisor to help me get out of debt and learn about my 401k, retirement and all that good stuff, I have ALOT less money in my pocket after I do my budget than I’m used to.

So, my dad called around to find out how much a battery is & he called to tell me a battery for my car was going to cost me $85!!! I about lost it! I don’t have $85!!! Plus, add on top of that I need new running shoes. Those cost around $100.

Everything just seemed to be tumbling down yesterday. I’m almost 33 years old and I’m still living at home with my parents living paycheck to paycheck. When I was younger, I always thought that by the time I was 33, I’d have a career I enjoy, I’d have a family and I sure as hell wouldn’t be living at home. I have NONE of that. Part of that, I’m ok with not having.

Luckily, my dad was able to find a cheaper battery for $60, but now I’m going to have to do without some possible necessities for the next week until my next paycheck.

But, that still leaves me living at home, with my mom and dad for at least the next 2 years. It sucks you guys. I have a very small room and a lot of stuff. I barely have room to walk around. But, I don’t think there’s a whole lot I can do about it. So, today, I was thinking…if I’m going to be stuck here for at least the next 2 years, if I can afford it, I’m going to decorate my room. Right now, all the walls are white. I’m going to try and talk my parents in to letting me paint at least one of the walls (chances of this happening are pretty slim).

The other thing I’m struggling with right now that is causing some pretty decent anxiety is, I’m looking at going back to school. The only way I’m going to further my career and make any decent amount of money so I can move out and get my own place is to go back to school and get a degree.

The main thing that is stopping me though is fear. Yes, I know, fear shouldn’t stop me. But, let me tell you this. Since I graduated from high school, I’ve gone to 4 different colleges and haven’t completed 1 term at any of those colleges. Different things have come up in life that have made it so I can’t finish school. So, that makes me REALLY nervous.

Plus, I’m training for a marathon right now. As soon as the marathon is over, my coach is going to up my training to get me ready for the Boise Half Ironman next year. My training is going to be elevated right close to the busiest time of year at my job where I might work 12 hour days 5 days a week. I don’t know what half ironman training is, but I know what it’s like to train for an Olympic distance triathlon and it takes ALOT of time. I’m worried that I’m not going to have time to have my full time job, go to school AND train for my half ironman.

I just don’t know what to do. I honestly lose sleep over this every night. Something’s gotta change, but I don’t know exactly what.

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2 thoughts on “Struggles”

  1. It sucks you are going through a hard time at the moment, I know exactly how it feels. I’ve hit a massive and kind of terrifying depression lately and it sometimes scares me a little!

    I know it may not mean much, but I guess with wanting something to change, really it’s about what you want, it’s always about what you want, and what you are willing to sacrifice etc. Although I’m pretty sure you could do everything, you may end up completely burnt out and unable to do everything to the standard you hold it to. Does that make sense? I feel like it’s so hard because I know the feeling – trying to juggle finances to ensure a financial future, but then the sacrifices that means, and then adding into that the kind of training you need to do to achieve the goals you want of an Ironman one day. School you can possibly do part time, but even then it’s going to be hard work with training and a full time job. The only thing I can say is that usually in the first year of college (at least for me) you can kind of get away with not being as hard working with it, but it gets harder. It’s hard, it’s so difficult to try and figure out exactly what you want and that I think is the hardest part.

    I’m still trying to figure out what I want and it’s getting harder and harder everyday!

    I wish I could help you somehow!

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