Thoughts. Lots & lots of thoughts.

It is currently 12:26 a.m. and I haven’t slept a wink. Why? Because my mind is racing like crazy. I really hope that if I write down my thoughts here on my blog, maybe that will put my mind at ease and I’ll be able to catch a few hours of shut eye. One can always hope, right?

  • I just signed up for 2 races. I’m pretty excited about that, yet nervous at the same time. I signed up for a 10 mile race that is on April 7th. I’ll be running from East Canyon down Emigration Canyon. I’ll be doing it with a couple of coworkers. It’ll be a good run to help prepare me for the marathon I’m doing in May. The other race I signed up for is the Telos Timp Tri. It’s down in Orem (about 45 minutes away). I’ve done this race 4 times, but this time I’m a little worried. It’s only a Sprint tri, but on the bike, there is a HUGE hill you have to climb. I’ve always had to gear down (or is it up) in to my easiest gear to get up the hill on my road bike. I’m not sure how my TT bike is going to handle this big hill…twice (you have to do the bike loop twice).
  • I’m still trying to figure out how I can eat less processed foods. My friend Katie gave me some great ideas when she commented on my post, but it’s still on my mind.
  • Last but not least, I don’t know if I’m overthinking or what, but I’m debating whether to end the relationship I’m in. This is the first relationship I’ve ever had and I’m 32 years old. That means I’ve had MANY years where I haven’t had to feel tied down to anybody. I finally have felt good and happy being single, and then comes along my first boyfriend. Plus, I’ve got friends that are like “you’re going to get married” and they keep pressing the marriage issue. We’ve only been together 2 months. Plus, he’s just not what I pictured myself being with. No, he’s not a triathlete (I know that’s a far-fetched wish), he doesn’t run, he’s not physically active at all, but he is a GREAT supporter. I always thought I’d be with someone closer to my age. He’s 10 years younger than me. I’ve always wanted my spouse to be the bread-winner of the family, and I would definitely be the bread winner. It scares me to have kids. It scares me to move farther with this relationship because if we have kids, I know that means my triathlons/marathons, etc. automatically takes the back burner. I’m not physically attracted to him at all. I don’t know if I’m looking for excuses or if these are really valid reasons, you know? I just don’t know. Tonight he texted me and I told him that I was having a hard time sleeping and he said he cuddle with me if he could and that just made me shudder. It hasn’t before, but it was just like I felt like I want my personal space, ya know? I just don’t know. I really don’t know. I know my Mormon friends are going to say to pray about it, but I’m SO not a prayer. I just feel weird praying. I think some of my friends would say I’m looking for excuses, and in a way I feel like I would be, but in a way I don’t. I don’t know if I’m just scared because I’m in a situation I’ve never been in before. I just don’t know. Gah! If I decide to break up with him, how do I do it gently?

So, those are my thoughts that are keeping me up tonight. Any opinions you’d like to share?


11 thoughts on “Thoughts. Lots & lots of thoughts.”

  1. I’m not sure why you’re feeling so… well… manic… this evening, but I know how you feel, and I sympathize. About the relationship thing. You won’t be missing your space if he’s the one. You’ll WANT to cuddle and hump a hole in the bed and have your space invaded. I mean, let’s be reasonable- we ALL need our space sometimes, but I think you’d know if this was right for you. Personally, praying about things has never helped- I’ve just dwelled more lol

    ps: it is totally not unreasonable to want a triathlete, and I know it’s what’s on the inside that matters… but damn. You need to be with someone you love staring creepily at when they get dressed in the mornings. I’m just saying.

  2. Girl, I’ve been in your shoes…and I just had to tell you to be strong and hold out for what you want. You deserve it. I so wish that’s what I would have done in my life. With my first marriage, I settled for what was there because I was afraid of being alone. I was lucky to get a beautiful daughter out of it, but otherwise it brought a LOT of pain and heartbreak. God has blessed me with a second chance with an amazing man who is so good to me and who I adore. Don’t settle for anything less than what you want and what makes you happy–even if it means waiting awhile longer. Trust me, you’ll be so glad you waited for the right one. It doesn’t matter the reason if you’re not really feeling it with someone. He might be a great guy, but it just doesn’t feel right to you. That is OK. Listen to that instinct and go with it. Just kindly tell him that he’s a great person and you just don’t feel that the two of you are right for each other. You both will probably feel sad for awhile, but when the right one comes along, you’ll be SO GLAD you had the courage to wait for him. And he WILL come along. I’m sure this relationship has given you some good experience. Keep yourself open to meeting new people, and Mr. Right will present himself. You’re awesome. Be good to yourself. 🙂 And I admire your dedication to your races. Pour your energy and focus into those for the next little while to help you get through the sad or lonely patches. You have already proven to yourself and everyone else that you can do amazing things. Let me know how it goes. 🙂

  3. I really agree with Mindy. You don’t have to feel you are ‘making excuses’… there is a big difference between ‘cold feet’, and him just not being right for you. The best advice I can give is to be straightforward with him but kind.. and then DON’T try and do it slowly. It’s VERY lonely at first because it’s nice to have someone to call and to snuggle with and to just be there – but if you know he isn’t right – don’t give into the temptation to call or hang out with him again after the breakup. That I think is the hardest..

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