Feeling Defeated

Currently, I’m feeling VERY defeated. This is when the devil and the angel are sitting on my shoulder and the little devil says “Just give up, running isn’t your thing. It was so much easier being fat” and the angel counters back with “But look at how far you’ve come. You’ve come this far, you can’t give up now.”.

I’ve had my shin splints now off and on since October of last year. Yes, you heard that right. October of 2011. I first got shin splints when I was running up and down City Creek Canyon last year to prepare for the Ragnar leg of the Ragnar Relay Las Vegas.

When I got back from the Ragnar, I ended up having to rest because of my shins and I had torn a muscle in my hip. So, I rested until December and came back feeling strong. But then, as I’ve been running the track at the gym, I’ve been getting shin splints again.

B.J. warned me about the track at the gym. It’s not the best thing to run on because it’s such a small track and the corners are so tight, it puts too much torque on your hip and legs/ankles that it can cause shin splints. But, if I run on a treadmill, that’s automatic shin splints, no questions asked. A treadmill changes my gait, which causes shin splints. I couldn’t really run outside unless it was warmer weather (I don’t have proper winter running apparel). So, the track it was.

Well, I also finally clued in that maybe it was my shoes. I had forgotten how old my shoes were. So, last weekend I went and bought new shoes. I took the weekend off from running because my shins were aching. I took an ice bath and everything. I talked to B.J. while buying new shoes and he said I should still be fine to train for the Ogden Marathon.

Well, the next time I was scheduled to run was this last Tuesday. I was SO looking forward to running outside. It was a bright beautiful day, with a slight wind, until about 5:00 p.m. I got home from work at 6:00 and it was near blizzard conditions outside. Well, I guess that meant I wasn’t running outside. I strapped on my new shoes and went up to the gym to run on the track. I was able to run 6 miles on the track with minimal to no pain! I was SO excited.

The next day I made the mistake of doing the FitMarch challenge and doing a bunch of jumping jacks. I’ll admit that it was my mistake and it was stupid of me to do. That aggravated my shins even more. I foam rolled my shins and iced them down. I’ve been wearing compression socks/sleeves 24/7 since I don’t remember.

My shins were feeling pretty good last night, so after my 38 mile bike ride, I went to start running. My shins ached a little bit while I was on the bike, but nothing too bad. I told myself going in to the run that if it started to hurt, I would stop running. A mile in to the run (I was supposed to run 6 miles), it started to hurt. I wanted to keep running. I wanted to keep running SO bad that I had to FORCE myself to stop running. I ran a total of 1.2 miles and had to force myself to stop but my mind wanted to keep running. I wanted to prove myself wrong and that I COULD run those miles.

I already went in to the run feeling anxious because I’d just got done riding 38 miles on a stationary bike. Thinking of running 54 laps on an indoor track with no music, going slow because my legs were tired from the ride, it just induced a little bit of anxiety.

Having my shins act up on the run sent me over the edge. My negative mind kicked it. My first thought was “why do I try?” This is when I really doubt myself and wonder if running is my thing. It seems as if as soon as I get my shin splints under control, if I’m not running outside, they come right back. I’m tired of spending hundreds of dollars on new shoes, inserts for my shoes, compression sleeves, etc., and always having shin splints. I always look at other runners and wonder why they don’t have shin splints. I know it’s wrong of me to do that because I don’t know what they are struggling with.

So, I packed up my shit at the gym and headed home. When I got home, I just fell apart and had a major meltdown. I was talking with my dad and telling him everything that I’ve said above and he had the guts to say “Maybe you should just stick with triathlons!” Oh! My! God! I honestly thought my parents were behind me and had my back in all of my triathlons/running. There are multiple reasons I want to run a full marathon. One reason is because I’m getting bored with the 13.1 mile distance. I know I can run that distance. I’ve improved with every 1/2 marathon I’ve done. I will keep doing 1/2 marathons, but I want a challenge. Also, before I do an Ironman, I want a full marathon under my belt. I just feel like that’s the smartest thing for me. This year seemed like a good year to do my first marathon.

I’m supposed to run the Ogden Marathon on May 19th, but because of my shins, I don’t know if that will happen now. I sent an email to my coach last night asking him if I rest for a week if I’ll still have time to train and be able to successfully finish the Ogden Marathon. I haven’t heard back from him yet, but I’m sure I will within the next day.

I just feel like I’m letting SO many people down by having shin splints…again. I get embarrassed every time I talk to my coach and say “My shins are bothering me again.”. I feel like I shouldn’t have shin splints this much. All I want is to be able to run again and be able to run pain free for a significant amount of time.

Besides my shins, I’m also feeling defeated because for the past 3 weeks, the number has been going UP on the scale. No matter how much/little I eat, no matter how much/little I workout, that damn number keeps going up. It is very discouraging. This week, I decided to focus on eating more. Eating more food, but eating smart and healthy. I thought maybe I’m not eating enough for how much I’m working out (See the post I Need to Eat More). I’m terrified of gaining weight. Absolutely terrified. It scares me to death that I am going to be that morbidly obese person again. So, this week, now that I have had to give up 2 running workouts during the week and my long run on Saturday, I’m terrified that I’m going to gain even more weight.

This is why I’m feeling so defeated. I’m tired of gaining weight. I’m tired of always having shin splints. I’m just tired of it all. Last night my thoughts were if I wasn’t afraid of being so morbidly obese again, I’d give up. I honestly don’t think I would give up because I’ve finally found something I’m passionate about, but that’s always the first thing that goes through my mind. I find it very interesting though that last night as I was sending an email to my coach, I read the quote at the bottom of my email that says “…Your biggest challenge isn’t someone else. It’s the ache in your lungs and the burning in your legs, and the voice inside you that yells “CAN’T”, but you don’t listen. You just push harder. And then you hear the voice whisper “can”. And you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are.” I think this quote is very appropriate for my situation right now.

Last but not least, I found this quote on the internet. I think I need to hang it up in my room or something.

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